Numquam Singularis Numquam

The truth is that I don't know if I'm more human or not human at all.  I really am different from most of the people I come into contact with.  I don't know if it's because of my intelligence, my gender fluidity or the fact that I'm far more compassionate then I care to admit.  Whatever it is, it makes me feel so solitary.

Let me explain my gender fluidness.  My body is female, my brain is primarily male and I switch back and forth and occasionally I feel like I have no gender at all.  I don't want to be either male or female.  I am fine with what I am.  It works out well with my hyper active mind.

I've never really been good with dealing with my loneliness, but I have the Doctor now.  I know that he's just a fictional character on a TV show, but to me he is real.  I get to join him on adventures and for a short while I'm not lonely anymore.  My therapist always asks if I still watch Doctor Who.  Probably because my therapist is awesome and it's a better coping tool than cutting.

The quote in Latin is from a song called Vale Decem, which plays while the 10th Doctor regenerates into the 11th.  The quote means that you are never alone never.  I understand the feeling of loneliness because it is my constant companion.  I understand the loneliness of the Doctor.  You don't always see it, but it's there.  I know that there are people who have no one, but I just don't feel the connections.  Not like the one I had with him. 

I still want to see if there is something better out there where it won't hurt anymore.  I know that that is impossible.  I think I need somewhere that I'm allowed to grow.  I might just have to get Pile of Good Things up and running for him, for me and for everyone who suffers like me.


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