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I'm working hard on getting to a place of stability when my life is anything but stable. Mostly my life is about rearranging and adjusting. It's not really that fun. There is just stuff everywhere that needs to be sorted through. Now, I'm not a neat freak. I describe myself as chaotic neat. That means that I have a pile that gets sorted through every one in a while. I have a pile of clean clothes that I don't put away because I'm lazy. This is probably adding to the confusion that is my life. The worst part of all of this is that I'm lonely.
I've always been lonely because I'm different. I'm psychic, jewish, suffer from depression brought on by a medical condition, primarily asexual and gender fluid. I am completely adaptable, but don't feel like I belong anywhere. I know that people like me, but I can't feel the connection. There have been a few exceptions and I lost a few of them.
I'm trying to rebuild myself and reconnect to other people, new people. I know that my brain hasn't recovered completely, which means I don't function the same way. I don't grasp concepts quickly anymore. It's probably quicker than most, but not to what I was used to. I'm just in a blah state and don't feel like I matter. Things might not have always been rosy with him, but at least he was there. I think for a short time, he needed me too.
Yesterday I went out to the mall and got a facial and my hair done by an Israeli. He was very nice and we actually hugged at the end of it. I get more affection from a stranger than I do from people I've known forever. I'm not always a hugger, but I also don't know how to ask for it when I need it.
My biochemical make up is off balance, which means I as a person am not balanced. I don't know what to do anymore aside from clean. I don't want my greatest talent to be surviving anymore. I make it day to day by being alone and setting up a life that may never happen.
My job is intense and I'm going to see if we can scale back my hours a bit since I'm not as recovered as I thought I was. I want to get to a place where I am good. I want to get to a place where I don't use a crutch to make it through the bad times.
There is this guy at work who I want to be friends with, but I'm nervous about it because of what happened at the bank. The more I learn about what really happened the harder it is for me to be open with people. I keep wondering if maybe the bank was right and that I am a danger who should be feared and cast out. I got rejection after rejection there. I just want to be accepted for once.
All relationships take work at times. I'm the one who seems to be alone the most. I have the Doctor and Freddie, but they aren't here. I don't think anything can take away this loneliness, confusion and doubt. I am just confused about what to do and how to rebuild a life.
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