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The nature of addiction whether it be self medicating or self mutilating is that the very thing we use to survive becomes the behavior that ends up killing us. The above is a quote from CSI from an episode called the Hunger Artist where a model literally self injured herself to death because of infection. Her addiction was extreme and frightening, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't understand it.
I would have to say that I was probably addicted to cutting and I tried so long to hide it. It turned somewhere from a coping mechanism to something that I needed to reset my brain and make me normalize. The truth is that I miss it because you have a love/hate relationship with your addiction of choice.
Russell Brand wrote an article recently about viewing drug addicts as sick instead of criminals. He was a heroin addict which I suspect helped him ease the symptoms of his bipolar disorder. There are 2 things that stood out in the article. The first was that he envied his former self that was smoking smack on the dirty floor because he felt that he was happier then. The second was him stating that drugs and alcohol weren't his problem. Reality was his problem and drugs and alcohol were his solution. He summed up addiction in all its forms perfectly.
While I don't think that I was happier while cutting, I felt that I was more stable even though it was a dangerous cycle. I also agree that reality is my problem because life is too difficult sometimes and cutting is my solution. It is, however, a temporary, self-deluded solution to realities problems. It got so out of control that the cutting itself became the problem.
Cutting didn't end up killing me, but I'm sure it was on its way there. The frequency increased, the severity increased and the need increased. The hardest part was stopping and yes, I still miss it. It's the relationship that is seductively destructive, but it's always there. The terrible friend that I can always count on.
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