90 days

So today marks 90 days since I quit cutting.  Everyone keeps saying good job or that they are proud of me or that I should be proud of myself, but I still just feel empty and sad.  I feel like I'm still missing some connection of getting better.

I feel that there is still an emptiness that is consuming me.  I feel like I don't matter or that I'm not good enough and establishing contact with someone only gets met with rebuffs and sayings about trivialities.  Not everyday will be fantastic in fact most of life is full of trivial happenings because we all just mill around all day at work.  The most exciting thing I did today was spill my hot chocolate and then almost have a temper tantrum because I'm frustrated with myself.

I keep getting told to be gentle with myself while the medicine is taking effect because my brain and body chemistry are changing.  The changes are causing my cognitive abilities to be slow and my coordination to suck too.  I just get frustrated with myself, but I should be viewing it as rehabilitation.  I just feel stuck and keep suffering setbacks.  Even writing this blog is difficult at the moment because I keep spelling things wrong and using the wrong words.  I was on the suicide hotline instant chat twice this week because I am mad at myself and for an instant thought that not being alive would be worth it.

I just feel like I am needy all the time and that I'm a bad friend.  I just keep losing.  Maybe I don't see the strength in myself and hate that the process is slow, but I have all these things that I want to accomplish and it's just not happening. 

One of the things that keeps ruminating in my mind is this upcoming training because I have to see him.  I also have to provide a failure for my sales training.  I am tempted to say that my entire life is a failure because there are days when it seems so.  I have no prospects of a boyfriend, no prospects for career advancement and am drowning in debt from 2 degrees that I am not using.  My life is just not living up to my potential or my dreams. 

I feel that I need to accomplish my goals to be worthwhile because I have no sense of self-worth.  If I finish a list item then I'm good.  If I help someone then I'm amazing, but just being alone by myself relaxing, I'm worthless.  I feel like I can't do this.  A friend of mine, Jamiyl, reminded me that I can get better because I am already working at it. 

Depression starts by taking away happiness, then it eats away every emotion until all that is left is nothingness.  You're just a pit of emptiness that no one can reach and you can't reach out.  Getting better means you start feeling again, but all I feel is sadness and loss.  I don't know if that's better than feeling nothing. 

I haven't cut in 90 days, but has my life really improved?  Am I better off without it or was it just a crutch to replace my non-functioning brain?  Everyone says that this is a huge accomplishment and I celebrated by getting food from the UK, the place that owns my heart, but I still feel hollow.  Here's to 90 days.


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