I have been feeling isolated, abandoned and alone for the last few days.  Ever since I came back from vacation actually.  There is a lot of emotional disconnect from a good portion of my friends.  Maybe it's true that friendships only last a short amount of time.  Maybe it's just my self doubt skulking in the darkness.

It's a myth that anti-depressants make someone happy.  They just make people stable enough to carry on with the daily life, but the sadness is still there.  I know that my illness has altered many things and I may not ever get things back to what they were.  The only constant is change.

I work hard everyday to try to be ok, but there are days when I fail.  I'm failing now.  I want to be social and to feel like my friends are there.  I want that connection again.  Depression is darkness and nothingness combined into one in order to destroy the good in you.  Yesterday it was winning, today it is not.

I still mourn for my losses.  Friends leave, but they take something with them.  I believe that we are different with different people.  I am more masculine with some friends and more female with others.  Sometimes I am just me; the crazy, optimistic, wild me.  It's tough to go through an illness with someone especially when you are suffering yourself.  I think a few people have done it right.  Sue and Ashley are always there and talk to  me about normal things.  They don't blame me for my condition or my distorted thinking.  They try to treat me as a friend and do things that help.

The suffering can't always tell you that they are in this depth of pain.  I suggest you try to treat them as normal and offer to do things that make them feel like they are not the mess they believe them to be.


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