A Sad Smile

Sometimes a truce is called and the smallest hint of niceties constitute the appearance of a sad smile.  I had one of those today.  It was just a small suggestion that I put forward to him and he actually did it.  I was so proud of myself for doing something that was great and useful.  It made me have a sad smile.

No, I don't really understand how he can be so friendly one month and then be so cold for months on end.  I know that he is unmedicated bipolar and yes, I still care about him and most likely will forever because that's just how I am.  It really is his own paranoia that drives him it seems.

I did confront him about treating me differently at work and that I expect to have e-mails answered in a timely manner.  His reply was like how one treats a child, which he has done before.  I don't need the counting because it doesn't work on me anymore.  I know that it's never easy either to deal with someone who thinks that they can control their illness.  Even if he went to a therapist once a month I think it would benefit him.

He would talk to me about things, which I could do nothing to help him with.  As a friend, I can help support people through their problems and tell them when they're being crazy.  Sometimes it was far more frightening than I would ever tell anyone.  Maybe this is partly why I created Pile of Good Things; to educate others especially employers about what signs exist for mental illness, so the people who need the help get help.

The hardest thing in the world is to convince someone that they may need help when they think that they are fine or that they can control their illness. His paranoia caused him to make a choice to isolate himself and be alone.  It was his choice and I think it was the wrong choice.  I think time will tell how things will eventually turn out, but for now on some occasions, you will see a girl with a sad smile on her face.  That girl is me.


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