I Continue to Exist

Existing and surviving are not that same things as living.  I am working on trying to live, which is a difficult task.  I feel like I'm just existing and I feel like I do it alone.  I used to have him and he continues to exist.  We just don't exist together anymore.  I'm back to being plagued by loneliness and he is far away feeling whatever he feels.

I still feel like a mess.  While my mental state has mostly stabilized because my anxiety is in remission and my depression is minimal to mild, my body is not in agreement.  I lapsed into bad habits because I feel the emptiness so I eat.  I got really into drinking regular soda, which is full of calories and sugar, which means it's very bad for me, but it made me feel better in the short term.  I am the heaviest that I've ever been and it is sapping my energy.

Now, I have to get back on track.  Exercise is going to be the hardest part because with all the junk food and lack of working out my body is worn out and tires easily.  I am missing the motivation to be the best that I can be.  I know that I can be awesome and inspiring, but I'm lacking that external factor to be awesome for. 

My mind is still fantastic.  I come up with ideas and still write almost everyday.  I'm taking classes to make sure my brain will till work properly.  The classes help fill the holes where the boredom sinks in.  It just seems like my mind and body are not in sync.  The loneliness is almost literally killing me.

I think I need some comfort somewhere even if it's not everyday.  I had someone there to talk to.  I had several in fact, now I have maybe one or two.  I know that it's difficult to deal with me because I am hard on myself for letting me get this way.  I'm existing, but I'm not healthy.  Once I get healthy, I might be able to live.


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