Not Belonging Anywhere

I look at Facebook sometimes and realize that I never really belonged to any group.  I was always the outsider.  I mean I have always had friends, but I never belonged to a group of friends that hung out all the time.  I don't have those best friends who are all best friends.  It must be nice.

I don't know why I've always been an outsider.  I suppose that I'm just different from everyone else.  I get along better with men than I do with women, which is probably where the trouble with my last two jobs came from.  I worked primarily with women and women are intimidated by me because I am too direct (male trait), intense and intelligent.  I'm not saying that women can't be intelligent, but there is a vast difference when one has an MA and the rest of the office just has a high school diploma.  It's like they missed a whole stage of development.

I usually find a few people in each place that I become friends with.  It's never a large group and I never feel like I belong there.  I should form my own, but my group of friends is very diverse and is dispersed throughout the world currently.  I'm lonely most of the time.  I'm working on getting better, but it's a long process. 

I wish I had more people that I was close to.  I don't because my heart was broken by several people who made my life better when they were here.  I guess I didn't matter much to them because they left me so easily. 

I felt like I belonged in England probably because of my past lives.  I know that England would not be a cure for my loneliness or my depression because I actually need people.  We all need someone else even if it's just one other person in the world.  I'm not talking about a lover because sometimes we fall in love with the wrong person or we have the right person and can still be lonely. 

I just wish I knew where I belonged and didn't feel like an outsider all the time.


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