Why Did I Stay?


I try not to think about my former job too much because it makes me incensed and melancholy at the same time.  A lot of people who know the history of all the hostile, toxic and potentially unethical if not illegal things they have done, ask why I stayed for so long.  The answer really was that I couldn't leave him there alone.  Even if he never talked to me again, the place was bad and he didn't deserve that.

The other benefit is that I got a crash course in business.  In order to go on my current career path, I do need to understand business and management.  I would like to be an employment lawyer and a mental health advocate.  I am a silly girl after all, not a violent psychopath.  I stayed for him.  There are very few people at that place that I really liked.  I think there were maybe 5 out of a company of 150ish.  What they did to me was horrendous and I just pity their ignorance. 

I think I wanted to save him, but he doesn't want to be saved.  My former workplace is just full of toxicity and not one employee can escape it.  I hope that he leaves soon because he no longer smiles or is friendly or makes jokes.  I knew he wasn't a happy person and all that was his mask, but I loved his mask and the deeply flawed individual underneath.

He was the one person that understood me completely.  He also gave me my 28th birthday wish, which was for him to wish me a happy birthday.  I never told him that because a wish is a secret.  I made it to 28 and with Doomsday, I didn't think that I would.

I basically expected to get fired almost every single day.  So it wasn't a surprise at all when they got rid of me.  I wish I had more time and was more brilliant with my own defense, but I think they had been planning to get rid of me for about a year.  I couldn't ask him to go down with me, which is why he was so distant in the beginning of the year. 

I was starting to look for another place, but I don't want to forget him.  He knew that I was better than that place, in fact, most of the employees are better than that place, including him.  I called him Rose.  He was my beautiful Rose.  I hope that one day he escapes that place, even if he takes a pay cut.  He would be healthier.  He might smile again.  I know that I have started to finally smile more and dance.

I don't regret staying because I had some extra time.  I know what I want to do now and the financial industry is not it.  I want to help people in a real way.  I can do that as a lawyer and as an advocate.  I just wish that I could have been his. 

Yes, it's a stupid reason to stay at a job, but sometimes I can't help the way that I feel.  I also know that I can't go through this life alone.  I am working on being a happier and healthier person that can love and be loved.  I may struggle more than the average person because of the Hashimoto's, depression and anxiety, but I work hard.  I want to be some one's support like I was to him.  I never betrayed him, the company did by being narrow minded gits.  For now though, I am here trying to get better for me. 

I forgive him and everyone else that left.  I stayed for him because I was too depressed and messed up to leave.  I'm better now though.


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