I know

Sometimes I am haunted.  My dreams sometimes feel so real.  I don't know if I'm mind jumping into someone else's memories or if they are from the past.  Some of the things that I see are horrible.  I know how terrible has been, is and may always be.  Then I have dreams of him and I am calm for a moment and then I stop because I miss him.

After the experience at the bank, I know that I won't be able to talk to him as long as he is an employee there.  I did file a complaint with the EEOC and used him in it as someone who was treated better than me because he hasn't disclosed his illness.  His illness makes him more reckless than me.  Yet I miss him because he understands the lows.  I remember how much lonely I felt when he was part of my life.  I think I actually glowed.

Yes, I have a broken heart and it will eventually scar, but I know that I won't love someone else in the same way.  I know that everything ends sometime, but it doesn't mean that the ending doesn't hurt.  I think we calmed each other.  People with Bipolar disorder need someone mostly a therapist to challenge them when they are in disorder.  I learned a lot from him and it was his encouragement that made me want to start Pile of Good Things in the first place.

I'm trying to move forward, but there is that heartache.  It seems like my time at the bank was another life, a dream.  He was the only real thing in that dream, well nightmare really. 

If it can be remembered, it can come back.


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