The Thing Is

The problem with the depression is that it can hurt everyone around you.  It's very difficult not to be negative when everything seems hopeless.  It really is an uphill battle to be a good friend to people.  The worst is that I try so hard to find support amongst friends, but it feels like there is none.

I do need someone to stop me from spiralling out of control with either cutting, shopping, or eating.  I feel like I am out of control a bit on all of them.  I eat a lot of junk food, my cravings are starting to spike again and I just want to spend money all the time.  I mean the things that I want to buy are not things that won't be used, but I am trying to stick to a budget.

I miss being able to talk to people.  Having depression makes me feel like a leper sometimes because people stay away when you need them the most.  Basically making me have fun is a better way to handle the depression than trying to counter my hopelessness. 

I wish I could be a functional person who can make friends and can feel close to them.  I know that not all friends are close friends, but once upon a time, I was fun to be around.  I hope that one day I can get back to that person again.  I just need to figure out how to get over the loneliness.

I just want a companion, not a boyfriend.  I have to learn to take care of myself and make my own mistakes.  I just want someone to think that I'm awesome and can do anything again.  This is when I miss him.  He was my companion and I miss my companion.  I think I stayed at the bank just so I could occasionally talk to him.  I also got an equivalent to an associate's degree in business that they paid for.

I wish I could tell this guy at work that even though he looks like my Rose, I know that he is different from Rose, but I still just want a friend.  He seems really cool.  I'm not cool because of my illness, which makes me difficult.  I just want to have a positive force that I chose.


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