This past week I had an episode of depression.  I'm still not sure what caused it, but it was 2 days of just feeling like a worthless fat lump.  I was fine when I was at work because I was around people.  I guess I feel incomplete.

A lot of people say that there will be more people to fill up my life.  That is a lovely thought, but I am dealing with chronic loneliness.  There was always something missing until Rose.  He made me like myself despite all my flaws.  That's a first.  I miss the conversations that we used to have.  He was exactly what I wanted.  He was my affectionate friend.

Now, I have to say that my loneliness stems from the fact that I'm different.  Not just that I'm Jewish in a largely Christian society, but I'm also gender fluid and am largely asexual. I might as well be a Time Lord with that many differences. Now it's definition time.  Being Gender Fluid for me is feeling sometimes female, sometimes male, sometimes a mix of both and sometimes neither.  Maybe I'm a drag queen in a way.  As for being asexual, I am hetero romantic in that I prefer men and just want romance/affection.  Sex is not really my thing.  Maybe that's why being a pro domme as a back up career appealed to me because I wouldn't have to be intimate with anyone.  It's tough being different.  I haven't met anyone else like me. #timelordproblems.

I think it sets me apart because being married might be nice, but having children is essentially out.  I do miss physical affection like hand holding and hugs.  I think this might have added to the episode of depression that I had last week.  I do have a roommate, but we have opposite schedules.  We do hang out and talk, but it's not the same thing that I had with Rose.

I also miss seeing my friends.  I do work a lot at my job and it doesn't really have a 9-5 schedule, but I miss having fun.  The two things that I'm missing from my recovery is the socialization part outside of work and exercise.  The latter is easier to accomplish than the former.  I'm actually thinking of volunteering just as an excuse to not be alone as much.

Maybe I'll be plagued with these episodes until the end.  I don't understand how people became so isolated, but sometimes I think that this loneliness is killing me.


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