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This as been a bad week for me. I'm not 100% sure what is triggering it. It might be a combination of things like taking a risk by introducing new trainings at work, loneliness and just feelings of alienation. Also, I've been thinking about him a lot. He's still distant, which I expected, but he's willing to talk to me about work related topics. I spent last night crying myself to sleep because I was just so stressed.What is the day after an episode like? It's like a hangover in a way, but less nausea. It has that crappy feeling of irritability and puffy eyes. The only bad thing is that tylenol will not make you feel better the day after a depressive episode. It takes effort to lift a mood and I do that by eating food and writing. My treat for the day was a pumpkin spice latte and a ham and cheese square from Starbucks.
The day after an episode is almost just as bad as the episode itself. It's difficult to concentrate, smile or laugh. I try to carry on the best I can. I know that my illness is about management, but there are always going to be days when it is hard.
I know that this isn't witty, but I don't feel like I matter. It's something that I struggle with a lot. I write because it makes me feel better. I just wish more people read it. That's why I created the facebook page because mental health is still in the shadows. I want to change the way people think and yet I feel like I am worthless.
I want to say something with the hope that he will read it, but I can't put it in a public forum yet. The day after an episode is filled with doubt. It's filled with lingering, fading sadness. The episodes make me think that I may never get better.
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