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Disappointment has ALWAYS been something that has been difficult for me to deal with. It doesn't matter what type of disappointment it is whether it's a friend not communicating or a presentation that was well prepared that fell flat. Disappointment is one of the worst things to feel for me. Disappointment is a form of betrayal.I've has 2 disappointments today and I will describe them both. First let's start with the friend. He is the friend that was involved in the incident that I kind of described in the first post. The friendship is tenuous at the moment because of what happened and then the ensuing breakdown/madness/I was Ophelia. He sometimes talks to me in one word sentences or he reads things and doesn't reply. Right now though, he hasn't read any of my messages. I don't know if he's just busy or just truly no longer cares for me. I know that I am no longer a priority for him because of the incident, but it still hurts that I'm being ignored. That is disappointment number 1.
For those that don't know I teach religious and Hebrew school on Sunday mornings. I really enjoy doing it because education has always been important to me. Since I finished the curriculum early, I decided to assign a project and do a family lesson. I decided to combine this with the other fifth grade class as that would be more people. Disappointment crept in when only 2 of my 7 students showed up to class, while the other class had perfect attendance. The other thing that sank my heart lower was a parent coming over and getting upset that the entire lesson was on family. I didn't know that there was a messy horrid divorce going on as that was never communicated to me or the other teacher. The parent said she wouldn't have brought the child if she had known. Then after the intro activity, the woman rudely got up and took her child out of the class. No excuse me or any apologies. I did my best to carry on with the lesson, which seemed pretty successful. Unfortunately I am focusing on these disappointments instead of the triumph.
I called Geof and talked for a bit, which blew off some steam, but I was still hurt. I then dove into prepping my cooking experiment for the day, which is Lanceshire hotpot, which is basically a lamb stew. It was an hour of prep and then 2 hours of cooking. Since it takes so much concentration, it took my mind off the disappointment that is eating my soul. I am about to head out and go to a chili competition. Being around people should help me.
My therapist works with me with identifying distortions in my thinking. Since I am only focusing on the negatives, I am discounting the positives. My friend could have cut me out of his life and blocked me, but he hasn't. The other teacher and parents said that I did a GREAT job and thanked me for teaching their kids. Since I can only identify the thoughts and distortions, I am not at the point of countering them. Perhaps one day I will be the good person and good friend that I can be.
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