S
I'm unsure how I feel today. It was a crazy day at work and things still feel a bit unreal. I also still feel incredibly alone and that turns into just a big ball of confusion in the pit of my stomach. It's an uncomfortable mix of feelings that I used to cut in order to deal with them or make them go away. It seems like everyday is up and down.It is said that a person goes through many emotions in one day and today that was definitely true. I got yelled at by a paranoid woman at work because I asked for her ID. She was not happy with this at all and I had to go through 20 minutes of why I needed it. After the transaction was done, I just went into the break room to calm down. I have an anxiety disorder and this started to shoot it right up. The medication stops me from going into a panic attack, but it doesn't stop me from feeling anxiety. I called my sponsor, who didn't answer and then continued to walk and breathe. When I calmed down, I went back out to my station.
I also miss him. He doesn't talk to me everyday anymore and he's distant. I look over at a co-worker's station and he and she are e-mailing back and forth like we used to do. It's about silly things of no consequence and that's what I miss. We both went down and things got ruined. Now I have no chance of career advancement. At least not in the field that I would like to go into if I stay in banking.
I also have so much hate that it's driving me to have crying spells. I hate that I never got to make the choice as the choice was forced on me. I hate that I lost him. I hate my depression and my addiction and yet part of me needs them. I hate that things are moving so fast. I hate that I can't be me.
I feel like I have to conform to some soulless ideal that is never going to be me. I am sarcastic, charismatic and amazing. Those characteristics seem to be stifled. I'm living in the dark, but I'm aching to be free.
I don't really know what love is, but if what I'm feeling is love, then I love you. Even if I do not know you, I love you with all the love that my tiny broken heart can muster. I have been touched by madness and am unsure if I will ever truly be free of it.
S
