This Is Where We Are Today

I am so frustrated with everything that is going on in my life.  I took the step to give a statement as to my horrid treatment that started all the despair, which gave me some relief, but the sense of loss is still there.  The loss that consumes me.  Who would have thought that the actions of a few and one day could destroy me so completely.

In that one day because of a misconception and a prejudice made about me, I lost an opportunity for a career, a close friend who understood me and my sanity.  I lost me.  I don't know if I'm mourning that more or the fact that I lost him.  There is a void that is there that I just don't know how to fill.  Emptiness is nothing that can be shared with another person nor would I wish that feeling on anyone.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I will be in that 20% that won't return to a normal functioning person.  I know because of my Hashimoto's that I am more prone to depression and it will be recurrent throughout my life. Sometimes I just stare at the floor for a time because I can't decide what else to do.  I want something to fill the gaps, so during the day I work on my course work for my job and write in my journal.  I go shopping sometimes and I overspend.  I know that I don't need clothes or shoes, but they make me feel better and pretty for a small amount of time. 

I don't want to buy food to celebrate anymore, but maybe I should invest in services to treat myself like tattoos, mani pedis, makeovers etc.  I'm not quite sure though because the one party I tried to do for it failed. 

Maybe I'll just get different and this sadness will stay in my soul.  I still miss him everyday.  It's difficult to move on when loneliness is your main trigger.

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