S
It was a very interesting day today. Tumultuous is probably the best word for it. Mostly because I received disappointing news and I had to see him today. Sometimes, I wish that I could control my emotions better.I got news that a friend of mine for many years and a co-worker will be leaving. I am a bit disappointed because it means that I won't talk to him as much. The daily e-mails were a distraction and something that I will miss greatly. I know that it's time for this friend to move on from the company because he got everything he wanted to out of it. I can't blame him and I wish him luck, yet I will miss him terribly.
I also had training today with Him. The friend that I lost. It was good to see him and speak to him. It's not like it was before, but I got him things that he liked so that I could be kind. Kindness breeds kindness in my mind. I had a bit of vulnerability and told him that I still missed him. I tried to be as helpful as I could as he was injured in a car accident. I'm a softie because I still care for all my friends even if they never speak to me again.
We did talk about things a little bit. He's doing better, which is important. I can't say that I'm 100% back because healing takes time. He agreed to look at my plan for an internal training program, which I'm working on through taking courses and doing research. Ironically, a lot of good came out of the incident because I have a purpose now. Maybe losing him was for a reason. Before he got into his car he told me that we strive. Sometimes that is all we can do.
Do I still care for him? Of course and yes, it hurts. I mourn loss for a very long time. I mean I still cry because Freddie Mercury is dead. It was good to see my old friend and good to see him well. I will always care for him and I will always miss him. I miss the closeness.
The thing that got me the most was that he said I should be proud of myself. That made me cry, not in front of him, but I cried nonetheless. It's difficult for me to be proud of myself because I don't feel like I'm important. I feel alone. I know that makes people upset, but it's part of the illness. Why do I survive? I'm still unsure.
Though today was a right mess, it was good to feel peaceful for a small moment.
S
