The Good, the Bad and the Lonely

Moving is an emotional roller coaster.  It's partially exciting and very sad.  It will be nice to have a place that is mine, even if I have a roommate.  I have just lived in the same house my entire life and I will miss it.  Especially since the bathroom is new.

I was talking to my therapist about moving and she said moving is definitely a loss.  It is making my depression spike.  I just feel so unprepared to go on to something new.  I thought I would have more of a support system in place by now.  My main support left me.  He changed my life for the better because he softened me.  It costs too much to care for someone and now my life is changing again.

I'm still really lonely.  I've always been lonely and I think that's why I need a companion.  I don't really need a lover because they just tend to piss me off.  Maybe I've never really loved anyone because I'm not good at compromise.  Moving brings up some memories that just make me realize that I never really belonged. 

I've always been different.  Not just from my religion or my gender or anything like that.  I always feel like I'm on the outside.  I have always had wild ideas and dressed the way that I've wanted to.  I guess I am a free spirit that way.  I may not be confident about the way I look, but my mind is pretty impressive and I don't care what anyone thinks about me.  At this point if I was what everyone thought I was, I would be a lesbian husband stealer.  I am neither of those things.  I happen to get along better with men because I have some more masculine qualities to me.

The bad thing about moving is packing up everything and realizing how much stuff you really have.  I'm pretty sure that I don't need all the things that I am taking.  I'm not even sure if I will have room to display all my things.  I have downsized a lot, but I don't think I will eve be able to get rid of everything. 

It's a new chapter of my life.  It's a bit bittersweet.  I don't feel connected to anything anymore.  Perhaps that is the source of my loneliness.   I'm moving forward, but that doesn't mean that it's easy or enjoyable.

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