The Downside

The downside about this lawsuit is going over everything and basically reliving the pain.  I feel like I'm right after Doomsday.  I was in hell after that because my only offense, my only crime was caring for him.  That small, seemingly insignificant thing to the company pretty much tore apart my whole life.  It triggered a depression in me, which caused so much more than just separating friends. 

The depression effected my entire life.  I couldn't focus on work or even cleaning.  I was cutting pretty badly because I was in so much emotional pain, that the cutting was relief from crying so much.  I hated myself because I thought it was me that caused me to lose my friend.  This lawsuit is actually making me wonder if it will make his life worse because he is part of it.  The whole reason that the lawsuit exists is because the bank made him choose me or his job.  While I was rebuilding myself after the trauma, the bank made it difficult for me at work.

I feel like I'm living all that again.  The problem is that I'm lonely.  That is my main trigger.  I'm fine when I am at work and around people.  When I get home, especially at night when I am time to think about everything is when I go back to hell because the depression is waiting for me.

The other part of why I'm so messed up at the moment is that I am exhuasted.  I will never be working a 60 hour week again.  Luckily the paycheck will be nice enough for me to put some money into savings.  The downside of exhaustion is that it gives me a thyroid episode.  The fatigue itself takes a few weeks to recover from.

All of these things combined is spiking my depression and is making me hate myself.  I think the only answer at the moment is to spend time with people.  That might be why I go shopping so often, so that I can be around people.

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