Finding Help

This is probably the most important step when trying to get better.   Once you find a therapist and get on medication if it's deemed necessary, you need a support system and a crisis plan.  This is because getting better will have setbacks and bumps in the road.

One of my favorite organizations is To Write Love On Her Arms.  It's a non profit that focuses on raising awareness and being the bridge to finding help for people that are suffering from self-harm, addiction, depression and eating disorders.  I found TWLOHA through a friend at a job who regularly supports them and their movement.  She even got me a bracelet that I wear when I need some strength. 

On their website they have a section that is called "Find Help ("  This brings you to all kinds of resources that one might need.  I have used the National Suicide Prevention Hotline ( and it has really been a great help to me.  I use the online one-on-one chat because I dislike using the phone.  I used them yesterday because my friend left me quite suddenly and without warning.  This chat is part of my crisis plan and I will describe the conversation later as I walk through the crisis plan.

I came home for lunch as I always do and I saw the message.  I am deleting everyone from work because my boss is surfing.  I realized that it's his need for protection and paranoia, but it took the wind right out of my sails.  I felt my heart break and my jaw hit the ground.  Before the rush of tears, I did the first step in my plan, which is call my sponsor, Geof.  I think we all need that one person who will answer the phone.  Before I would have just cut, but I did the crisis plan. 

As I talked to Geof and started to sob, we came up with what I should do.  I called out of work for the rest of the day and then called my therapist.  I also called my assistant and my best friend.  They all told me to basically work on the plan and stay calm.  My assistant did come over for an hour so that I could be with someone for a bit. 

I did my wellness plan by exercising and taking a bath.  I did speak to a few more people and then as I was still not finding enough comfort I went to TWOLA and then to the prevention hotline.  The counselor I had on the chat was kind, compassionate and provided comfort.  She told me that any relationship breakup is hard and will hurt for sometime.  She also gave me a little bit of hope that maybe my friend will come back as he is suffering too.  She made me realize that he at least told me he was going instead of just disappearing, which maybe in his own messed up way he still cared.

While I went to bed I started to cry again.  I don't think I cried so much in my whole life.  I woke up at 3 am because I was still in pain.  I do believe that the medication did help me not go out of control and just left my crying on the floor.

Though today was easier, if I stop, I still hurt, but I know that for now I need to heal on my own and he has his own issues.  The important thing was that I had a crisis plan and I used it.  Disasters will happen, but I can overcome it.

I saw my psychiatrist today for a check up and I am doing fantastic because I am working the 3 things.  The medication, the therapy and exercise.  I am doing it.  I am doing it everyday and I am doing it better than anyone else.  I also lost 6 pounds, which means I'm on my way to becoming physically and mentally healthy.  I'm not there yet, but I found help and am progressing.

I do miss my friend and I probably always will, but I must heal myself.  I hope that I can move past this and that he can too.  I don't know what will happen, but I still have hope, no matter how small.  Having a small amount of hope can avert a crisis, but a crisis plan exists, just in case.

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