Pride and heartbreak

This is going to be half upbeat half defeatist, hence the title.  I am still dealing with the set back from a few days ago, but I will try to keep this as positive as possible because we have to look at the positive and celebrate the good.

I had my psychiatrist appointment yesterday and my therapy appointment today.  Yes I have two separate ones, but the more support the better.  They both reported that I'm doing well despite the setback from the other day and have helped me process it.  We looked at the good things that I have been working on like this blog.  I am also exercising everyday and the best part is that I lost 6 lbs!!!  I am now 208lbs, which I haven't been in such a long time.  I am hoping to be under 200lbs in about 2 months. 

With my therapist we discussed the setback.  I can understand his need to protect himself and his family etc, but isolationism is not the way.  He is definitely in crazytown as Geof would say because he thinks his disorder is controlled.  I know mentally healthy people do not think that people are out to get them or that they are being spied on and it breaks my heart.  I know that I have to work on me and I am, but it still just hurts. 

We talked about the use of my crisis plan and how that was an improvement of how I would handle the situation even a month ago, which would land me in the hospital.  The cool thing that I learned is that there are social workers that will come to your house if you're alone.  I also talked about the suicide chat line and how the counselor pointed out that he cared enough to let me know that he was going to delete everyone instead of just doing it.  I just don't know.  I feel angry, heartbroken and sad at the same time.  I miss him and want to punch him at the same time.

I am trying to stay positive and working on getting better.  I am doing it for me, but the emotions are getting in the way.  Everyone is so proud of me for doing so well and I am proud of myself because I'm starting to feel worthwhile again.  Things that are meant to be celebrated.


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