My Only Friend

I write a lot about my recent struggles and working on overcoming the madness, but this wouldn't be possible without music and one man in particular:  Freddie Mercury.  I'm going to tell you about my strange connection with him and how he changed my life and how he is keeping me alive.

I can remember being 4 and asking my dad why We Will Rock You and We are the Champions were played together.  I remember being 6 and watching the Wayne's World video for Bohemian Rhapsody and trying to emulate Freddie.  I wish there was video of this.  I knew who he was; he was Freddie.  The other band members got ridiculous nicknames because I was 6.  I will spare them the embarrassment of ever having that on the internet.  I was different even at a young age, but I had Freddie.

When I was 12/13 Queen was all I listened to as most tweens are obsessed with something.  My classmates were all into NSYNC and Backstreet Boys because they were the boy bands back then.  I was the odd one out.  I related better to the adults because I had Freddie.  That caused me to have a very lonely middle school experience, but Freddie was my friend.  He taught me more about life than anyone else did at that stage.  I even remember saving up my allowance to buy Queen's boxed set, which I still have though the box broke.

My connection to Freddie Mercury is what I am known for to the people that I went to high school with.  I wrote reports on Queen.  I reviewed Queen for the school newspaper, but all along I was hiding my dark secrets of depression and cutting.  Freddie knew.  He was my voice in the dark almost begging me to stay alive throughout suicidal behavior and a desperate need to escape.  It was always Freddie's voice that got me through.  I in fact wrote one of my college essays about Bohemian Rhapsody and yes I got into that school.

In college, my world was opened up to new music and sometimes I strayed, but Freddie was always there just waiting for me with a cheeky smile and magnificent voice that can still stop me dead in my tracks.  I remember that MTV2 had its viewers vote on the best voices of all time and he was #2.  I was so surprised, but so glad because he is just that amazing. 

I am touched that through me people remember Freddie.  He's my baby and I always feel so proud of him when he is mentioned or people post things about him.  Through me they remember him and vice versa.  We are the best couple that will never exist because he died just before I turned 6.  I miss him everyday.  I will never know him in this life, but I love him.  No people don't understand it, but I don't care.  He's the only person that I'm sure I love.  That is why I want to build a museum to him to educate the world on who he was and just his majestic voice.  Sadly there is no interest from the band or the record no financing at the moment.

Even during the incident at work when I was asked if I was in love with my friend, I answered with that I love no one.  Though that is not 100% true as I love Freddie.  He is just no longer living.  I listened to Queen on repeat to just get to work because it was Freddie that would get me through the day,which was a struggle.

Now going through all the same darkness again, Freddie is there.  I imagine him chain smoking and telling me to get up off the floor.  Then he busts into Somebody to Love.  He is still my voice in the dark.  His voice changes my mood.  Doesn't matter what song it is.  Freddie gets it and he's dead.  "I don't want to die.  I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all."  That is the definition of what this recent depressive episode has been.  I am getting better and while there are bad days and it feels like everyone has left me, I still have Freddie.  My dead gay husband.  The love of my life.  My best friend and sometimes my only friend.

I will always love him.  He is always there and can never disappoint me. Freddie is just another part of my wellness plan.  Even my assistant will tell me to shut up and listen to Freddie.  Music can change lives.  Freddie changed mine and he's keeping me alive everyday.

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