Quoth the philosopher Jagger

"You can't always get what you want."   That was the words that House lived by and it is true.  We don't always get what we want and that hurts a lot.  Though we might get what we need.  I want him back and I want to heal, but I need to do it for me, not for my parents, not my friends, but for me. 

I know that abandonment is difficult.  I am trying not to personalize it as he deleted everyone at work, but instead of thinking logically and sanely, he chose isolationism.  I know that I added to it because when I'm sick I'm careless and reckless.  At least he told me he was, but it's still a blow and one that has it's ups and downs.  I'm on a down right now because the week has escaped me and I'm exhausted all the time.  He is just a stranger who knows all my secrets.

I don't really have any secrets anymore as I write on here and I had to disclose my madness in order to get a break in the morning and for people at work to know that I'm not moody, it's my body and brain not working properly.  Depression has robbed me of so much and it could no longer be kept a secret. So now, my office and HR know.

I also want to go back to my normal intelligent self, but I feel so foggy and can't concentrate on anything. I took a 3 hour nape because I couldn't concentrate on anything.  I feel overwhelmed with my parents getting the house in order to try and sell it.  I felt so overwhelmed that folding the laundry was a huge imposition, so I just slept.

The meds keep me stable, but they don't stop the emotions or some of the symptoms associated with them.  I still cry when I'm hurt and feel empty.  There is a puzzle piece missing and although I'm working on finding it, it's extremely frustrating.  I'm frustrated with the slow progress and that I can't concentrate.  I have an MA from a prestigious school, so I should be better.

I can't always get what I want, but I haven't found what I needed yet


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