S
No one knows quite who "they" are. "They" could be experts, people or oral tradition, but it seems that everything takes 3 to 6 weeks. It takes 3 to 6 weeks for medicines to full take effect. It takes 3 to 6 weeks to stop feeling the anguish of loss. It takes 3 to 6 weeks to clean the junk out of your house. Everything is 3 to 6 weeks and yet with some things it seems longer.It's been a week since he's disappeared. Just a week and yet I feel like the days just blurred together. It could have been a day or it could have been a century because all I feel is the emptiness, the loss and most importantly, the loneliness.
Loneliness has always been a major trigger for me. I've always been different and that made me insecure as I never had many close friends till high school. He and I talked everyday since we became friends because he is different too. Now that he's gone, the loneliness is back because we would message all day everyday so for 9 months I wasn't lonely. However, that couldn't stop the demons from creeping in.
I am highly intelligent and because I'm so smart, I think that I should be able to solve my own issues and not need anyone else because there is an ideal that strength means that one doesn't need anyone else. Humans are social creatures and strength means allowing people in and relying on them. We have all these advances in technology to stay connected, but we rarely make connections. I connected with him and now he's the stranger that knows all my vulnerabilities because I no longer have secrets.
I don't know if I can do another 2 to 5 weeks of this anguish, this unbearable loneliness. I am still doing my wellness plan to try to fill the holes that him not being there has left. I felt that he actually cared for me, that he actually liked me. Now that that is gone, what do I have?
I have the loneliness that I had before. So, whoever "they" are have never really felt pain like this. I have to learn how to deal with the loneliness so that it doesn't consume me. Right now though, it's winning. I can't move on with my life in terms of setting goals until I get better and it feels stagnant. I feel like a month has gone by and it's only been a week. A week of loneliness. A week of no longer having a connection. A week of feeling like my heart is being squeezed.
They say that things will get better. What they don't say is how long it will take.
S
