A terrible day

What people fail to realize is that depression and anxiety are episodic even on medication.  I had an anxiety episode today and it was horrible.  My anxiety is high because of stress at work and then i took an exam today and a page was missing.  It was just horrible.

When I feel so tensed and stressed people really can't get close to me.  My supervisor wanted to discuss a problem with a check and took an extra step towards me and i freaked out and told her to back off.  I mean I try every single day to get to work and try to do my job.  I only missed half a day of work since the incident happened.  I think that's pretty good.

I didn't meant to explode but I just can't let anyone get too close to me.  I'm also mad at myself for making so many mistakes because it feels like my brain is flipping.  I have been on Pristiq for about a month and have just started the Deplin.  It just seems like my brain chemistry is messed up.

I feel stupid most of the time because my brain isn't working.  I used to be a valued employee and now I'm just a fucking mess.  I can't concentrate or I stare off into space.  I use my coping journal and try to identify my thoughts.  I try and it seems like it isn't good enough.

I asked to have a break in the morning and they want to put it under Family Medical Leave Act instead of Americans with Disabilities act, which says that a reasonable accommodations for disabilities.  I am not asking for a change in work schedule or to inconvenience anyone.  I just need time to decompress and breathe for a bit.  They are waiting on paperwork from my APRN.  They should only need a letter not FMLA.  My company is ridiculous. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.  People look at mental illnesses as an excuse.  I work my butt off to try to get better and yet the world seems like it wants me to be pummeled to the ground.  I have lost so much and I just want to go back to being me.  The meds are messing with my brain and I want that stage to be over with.

Most Reading