The worst thing

The worst thing about getting better and recovering is the effect it has on your cognitive abilities.  I still feel jumbled and it gets worse when I am stressed.  I actually have memory wipes when I'm stressed.  I just have blank spaces from the day and it's a horrible thing.

I also think that part of it is because I get frustrated when I mess things up like spelling or speaking or that I forget a word and that exacerbates things.  I keep feeling like I'm stupid and unaccomplished, which is the complete opposite of the truth.

I know that my brain is rewiring and that it will take time, but I don't have the patience.  I have to learn patience and slow down.  I always want to rush be the be the one that people look up to.  I think that I am trying to run before I can crawl.

I get frustrated with my progress at times because I want to be on the level I was before this horrendous bout of depression.  I am doing everything right, but I'm not back to me yet.  I want to be me and I want to find happiness.  Maybe that will take a while or maybe I have to find a new version of me.  I'm just unsure of where to go. 

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