Lack of Libido

One of the things that I've wanted to write about it.  One of the symptoms of depression is the loss of libido and ironically it's a side effect of most anti-depressants too.  Now, I have no partner or lover to upset by this because they will not feel rejected, but it bothers me.  The detriment that really bothers me about it is that I don't feel sexy not even in my ridiculously expensive lingerie.

I have always had an issue with being touched, which I believe is a mix between being really lonely and the cutting.  I was so not interested in sex for a very long time, then I was interested in it academically as I wrote my MA dissertation on the Earl of Rochester (look up here).  My dad actually said I got a MA in porn because of the Earl.  I think I more enjoyed the idea of sex than the actual act because I would rather do something else like read or talk about history. 

Now, I'm not sure if it's the depression, the messed up hormones or if I'm truly different from everyone else, but all I want is for someone to care about me, hug me, smile when I walk in the room and hold my hand.  In summation all I truly want is a really good friend.  People mostly misinterpret this, even he misinterpreted this as me being in love.  I question love too much.  I flirt, yes. as that is the fun part for me.  The chase is fantastic, but being captured, sex, is not fun for me.  I prefer the mind over the body.

I do miss feeling sexy with my lingerie because that's my thing.  I don't miss sex though.  To me, it's always been boring, but even if I wanted to I just can't.  I think I was sexual for about a year and now it's back to nothing.  I think the world is really obsessed with sex, it always has been and always will be, but not me.  I always get annoyed when people try to add a sexual element into relationships that aren't there (I.E. Holmes and Watson).  Deep affectionate friendships exist.  I lost one.  Sex doesn't do anything for me.  I doubt that it will.

I am lacking a libido right now and to be honest, I don't miss it.  I miss the feeling, I miss the chase, but I don't miss the act.  I've discussed this with others and we just become sad asexual creatures.  Maybe this will be forever or maybe it won't.  I just want an amazing friend.  That is what I'm lacking close by. 

Will you be my companion?


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