What I Gained

Depression is the ultimate downer.  The sufferer is stuck in a cycle of negative thinking.  Now, that I am starting to get better, well, at least my symptoms are in the mild range, I can identify the negative thinking.  I was focusing on what I lost, which is a lot, but haven't looked at what I have gained.

I was laying in bed last night just thinking about what I should write.  I looked at the baby Dalek that a friend had sent me as a gift and I said that I gained a lot.  Though it doesn't make up for what I lost, it is still something new.  It gets different because getting better, to me, means that you are an improved version of what you were before.  I do not believe that I will ever be an improved version of what I was before.   One thing he used to tell me was, "You are who you are today because someone broke your heart."  My heart is broken and I will never be the same.

Now, onto the happier part of this post, what I gained from this hell.  I regained my bravery, maybe it was always there, but I haven't had to use it.  It takes courage to get out of bed everyday and go to the place and see the people who hurt you so badly that you went into the tail spin.  It is very brave to stand up and complain even if the company decided that nothing wrong had happened.  I found my indomitable internal strength.  I stood up for myself; I tried.  That is something to be proud of.

Though I lost him, which is his problem because I am a fabulous, loyal friend, I got close to some fantastic people.  They might have always been there, but I wasn't able to get close to them because of my low grade depression.  I always worried that if people knew or saw the pain or the "real" me, that they wouldn't like me at all.  In fact, I was surprised on my review that my co workers said I was well liked (this was before the incident).  Since I came out with my diagnosis and decided to fight it, I feel like I am liked and am admired more for it.  Also my charisma decided to return in bounds.  I started talking to a high school friend Sarah, who I had no idea was suffering the same.  I got some amazing co workers, Jill and Jana.  Jill sent me the baby Dalek, which travels back and forth with me as my constant inanimate companion.  I can be honest with all of them, which is brilliant.

I started taking courses again, so that I could learn some type of things that are involved with business.  I lost a lot of my wit and vocabulary because my severe depression interfered with my cognitive processes.  The courses,whether the mini online ones or the longer self paced ones, have helped me regain my concentration and some of my vocabulary.  I now have a sense of the basics of business, so I can build my own.  I will start to write a proposal for a museum and start doing research for a non-profit. 

I found Doctor Who.  It was something that I was always aware of and would watch the occasional episode and enjoyed it.  The Doctor is the relationship that I want to have.  Someone that will change my life, hold my hand and care so much about me that they will destroy the world because of the loss of me.  I know that sounds egocentric, but it's my blog.  Although there are aliens, danger and time travel at the core it's about people solving problems.  It's an extraordinary journey about real life.  We are all stories in the end and I will make sure it's a good one.

All the things that I feared the most, while damaging and frightening, were never as bad as I thought they'd be.  I guess things are never as wonderful as they seem at the best of times or as bad as they seem at the worst.  I got more support and that is the best part.  I gained a lot, which is what I should focus on.

PS.  I am working on the campaign, "I Am Not My Scars."  If you want to participate, please e-mail photos to


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