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Today marks 10 months since I last cut, however, I had a bad craving today and almost relapsed. This time of year is always hard for me. It's post birthday and Christmas blues. I tried to have a holiday party and no one can make it. It makes me feel not important at all. Maybe I am too different from everyone else because I believe that spending time with friends is important. I'm at that age where everyone has a significant other and possibly a child. I am not nor have I ever been a baby person. I can barely take care of myself let alone another living person. I would fail at being a mother. I'm trying to recover, but it's difficult without a social component. I spend most of my time at work and then there are scheduling conflicts with everyone else.
My mother signed me up for J date and I met up with one guy. He was OK. He is someone that I can be friends with, but probably nothing more. I don't love myself, so how can I love anyone else? I believe in love, but I have such a hatred for my physical appearance at the moment, that it's difficult to focus on anything else. I sometimes just want to tear my skin off and start over. Part of that is my thyroid part of it is not being comfortable with myself.
I know that getting back to exercising is helping a great deal, I still have a long way to go. 10 months is a great accomplishment. I hope I can keep going and do my one day campaign in March. While I am better at coping, sometimes I just have bad days.
I hope that things will improve with a new year. I hope that I get a promotion and that I can get my friend truly back. I'm hoping that my body doesn't derail again and I get back to a healthier weight. Maybe I can transform again into something new, something good.
Right now, I'm here and I have to keep going.
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