Just A Little More

Today was a strange day.  I don't think I have had a "normal" day in 5 years, but this day was even worse.  I think my job's rumor mill is worse than the one that was in my High School.  That's what destroyed me, misinterpretation and blowing things out of proportion.  Maybe some wounds don't really heal.  We morph into something else.

My friend was back at work today and while her sister is not dead, she is still very upset and stressed out.  That is understandable because whatever her sister took caused damage, which will require a great deal of aftercare.  My friend was very distracted, heartbroken and teary eyed.  It was difficult to watch.  I've seen suicide from both sides now and it's not pretty at all.  I gave my friend a hug because all I can do is bring comfort.  Maybe that small gesture will help in some small way since I cannot undue what has occurred.

I saw an ex close friend of mine at the holiday party, which triggered a wave of depression.  I still don't know what went wrong, but she didn't even look at me.  I always value my friends, which is why it hurt so much.  Instead of being responsible adults, we just stopped talking.  We all have communication problems and maybe it's just easier to walk away than tackle an issue.  Maturity is about communicating problems and resolving them, perhaps neither of us is mature or our respective illnesses were just too much to handle.  I really don't have an answer there.  I just don't understand how people can be so close one day and then strangers the next.

Then there was him.  While we've been talking and it's been getting a bit easier, it's difficult to adjust to it not being the way it was.  It was good to see him smile, but there is still distance.  At least I got a goodbye hug, which is so much better than being completely ignored.  However, it's not like it was and perhaps I will always miss being that open with someone.  He was the first unguarded friend I've truly had and his loss was irreparable. 

At least it looked like Narnia outside and I had some good food.  The day was just strange. 


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