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Sometimes you just have to write because the hollowness is too difficult to take. I've had some good moments and some bad moments and yet I'm hollow. I don't think I'm good enough to get a promotion because I'm not totally good with people. I don't know how to connect. I connected with very few in general, but it takes a long time for me to get to close to new people, if it happens at all.I am not the easy going innocent person I was. When I was younger people feared me with good reason. I have a soft middle, but could project a toughness and a strength that no one could touch. I connected to a very wonderful person who was like me...different. I'm not an average human being.
I have a high amount of ESP and am extremely intelligent. I've doubted both with devastating consequences. I still wish that I lived in a world that left me unscathed, but now I'm someone else. A shadow of what I was. I'm more of a ghost.
I am trying to live a normal life, but if I'm not an average human, how can I live a normal life? I try to cope the best that I can. I still believe in the power of hope, but healing takes time. I don't think that I am meant to get married and have a family. I have something bigger to do. I can barely take care of myself let alone another person. I mean I've put off my dental surgery for months because I didn't want to deal with it. Now my mouth hurts at least once a week.
I just need support of friends. I need someone to say that it's ok to be sad and that it's ok to miss a friend that I was connected to. I don't want to hear that one day my feelings will change or that time will heal the pain. I just want someone to tell me that it's ok to feel the loss and that if I want that friend back, that I can achieve it. He still believes that I can do anything, if I put the effort into it. Pile of Good Things is being worked on. ___ Makes Life Better was achieved. I also wrote down ideas for a museum proposal.
I am incredibly strong. I'm still here, but I miss who I was. I have to figure out who I am now.
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