S
Every lonely monster needs a companion. I don't have a companion anymore. He's very distant and very cold, but I'm glad to know that it's with everyone, not just me. I think he's sicker than even he knows and it hurts to see it. There is nothing that I can do. I do things from a distance, but that's it.I still think that I have a problem connecting to people. I know that my depression does that sometimes. I miss being and feeling close to someone. Depression makes me that lonely monster. I am working really hard to get myself together so that I can be a better friend. My illness gets in the way of a lot of things and a lot of my relationships suffer because of it.
The thing is that most people come back. I learned forgiveness, but have yet to learn patience. I don't think any type of caring really goes away. The people that leave are either sick themselves or they just can't handle my sickness. It leaves a hole when friends disappear. My friends are important to me and I know that I don't always show it as well as I could.
Tomorrow is Valentine's day. I got some chocolates for some of my co-workers with cute little notes. Other than that there is nothing for me to celebrate. Love should be celebrated every day that you have it because there is nothing that says that it will last forever. Love doesn't always end, but if it does, it's devastating.
I will be spending my evening after work packing up my room. I have to start downsizing. I'm starting to look for my own apartment, so I won't have the room for so much stuff. I will probably be getting rid of clothes and books mostly. It's difficult to let go of things especially when you are lonely.
Loneliness is my constant state. Maybe I'm too different to truly connect to anyone else. I hope that one day I will have a companion again. I learn patience. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, but someone to just spend time with who will put up with my conversations for hours. I'm the lonely monster and I need a companion.
S
