It's Days Like This

It's days like this when I get frustrated, where I'm not even sure who or what I'm frustrated at, that I miss my companion.  I miss being able to blow off steam and talk to him about what frustrated me, so that I could figure out what it was.  That way I could calm down.

Today was even worse than yesterday.  It is hell week at work because we are super short staffed.  Also this one girl called out 2 days in a row.  I mean I can understand if you are sick, I mean I have a chronic illness where I asked to have shortened hours, but don't just miss work and not make some arrangement.  Being in the pharmacy is really being part of a team.  When something gets backed up, the chain breaks.  We ended up not even finishing anything today.  I got yelled at by customers because everything was backed up a broken.  I understand why they are upset, but I can't fix things for them.

I know that tomorrow is going to be catchup day, which means I am going in an hour early with the pharmacist on duty to try to finish today's work before starting tomorrow's.  I enjoy my job because in a way, I help make people better.  That's what I want to do.  I'm just a small part, but this way I learn so I can do so much more.

I know that I need someone because I tend to fall apart.  I need someone that isn't my mother to stop me.  Someone that can stop my mind or focus me.  That's what he used to do.  Also loneliness is my trigger, which is not helping me deal with the stress at work.

Despite the fact that he was crazy and couldn't fix himself, he was an amazing listener.  He was the one person in the entire world that believed I could do anything.  The truth is that I can, but need someone else to chase my doubts away because that is what my illness does.  Depression makes me doubt myself. 

Tomorrow, I am going to bring in cake and coffee because I think it will lift everyone up from yesterday.  I like making people happy because it chases away my sorrows.  After a year and a half, I still have a broken heart.  That is my punishment for standing up for myself at my last job, I have a broken heart.

So here I am, alone in my apartment, typing away instead of talking to him because he's gone.  12 hours tomorrow with a broken heart.


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