It Just Is

There are lots of things that are going around in my head and my heart right now.  There is no reason for them, these feelings just exist. Loneliness is my main trigger.  While I do have a roommate and we hang out together, I'm still really lonely.  I'm not sure why, it just is.

I miss Rose.  He was my friend and I don't think any amount of time that passes will make me stop missing him.  The second anniversary of Doomsday is approaching and it still hurts.  It's just not as raw.  I still hate the bank and it's management for its suspicion and idiocy.  Mostly I miss my friend.  I miss having a relationship that open and honest.  I miss someone asking what is wrong instead of avoiding it.  With Rose, I wasn't lonely for the first time in my life.  Did I have problems?  Of course, but I didn't feel alone.  I miss him and it just is.

As for the cutting, it's a struggle.  Someone told me that if I stopped talking about it that I would get dates and wouldn't be lonely.  I'm not proud that I'm a cutter.  It's a coping mechanism and an unhealthy one at that.  I'm not proud that I can't communicate my feelings of loneliness, pain and sadness, so I take it out on my own body.  I'm trying to move past it, but I'd rather someone know up front than freak out later.  It's part of me.  The scars are part of me.  It just is.

I don't understand how people have become so isolated.  Depression is on the rise and part of it is because we aren't as social.  Social media only shows us the highlight reel.  We don't see the whole picture when reading the news feeds, the tweets, the posts, etc.  I try to invite people out but sometimes the answer I get is that being an adult sucks.  Yes it does, but we have to make time.  Maybe friends don't really matter as much as money or security, but money will not take away the pain.  Being alone is being caused by something.  It just is.

So here I am in the middle of the night, typing away because I'm lonely.  I miss him.  I miss feeling cared about.  I miss being clear headed and sure of myself.  I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I'm at a new store and have to adjust to a new set of people again.  Maybe it's a good thing because I can't get comfortable enough to make mistakes.  I'm not proud of everything that I've done or of my life for the past two years, but I'm still here and I am me. Right now my life just is.


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