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I try very hard to get better and fit in even though I'm dying inside. I don't know what happens with me. I have a few good days then I'm back to feeling sad. I just feel like I'm failing at everything and I don't need to be reminded constantly of my failure. We had a meeting at work today and for people with depression/anxiety issues showing how big goals are, is very overwhelming. It seems completely unattainable. Things need to be broken down into chunks, so it's easier to deal with. Instead of saying the whole house must be cleaned, say that this week, we'll focus on the bedroom and then go from there. Saying we need 5 million in sales this year is such a large number that I have no idea how to even get there.
I'm just done with everything in my life. I basically just wish that it was over. I know that I'm only 28, but I don't think I'm strong enough for this fight. I was trying to think back to if my life was easier when I was cutting. I know that it wasn't, but it's getting harder to resist that urge. Everyone says that life gets better, but what if it doesn't?
It's been a year since Doomsday and while I am functional, I am not better. I'm not constantly depressed, but I've lost everyone. I don't understand any of this. I know that I have to get a place to live and take care of myself. I just want time off to fix things and I want him because he's not there.
My life is in a tailspin this week. I just want one good thing to happen, but it doesn't seem likely. I'm not doing well with fundraising or sales or even keeping friends. It's just been a difficult week.
The thing that turned this day around were my 5th graders. They did such an amazing job at running the service. It's amazing sometimes how much kids can do.
I just have to keep trying and do the best I can. I still miss a lot, but that is part of being alive. Living is the hardest part.
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