Pain and Loss

"Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love." My loss has changed me into what I am today.  I lost one of the best friends I ever had because he made me feel less alone.  In a world where empathy, kindness and caring are waning, making someone feel less alone is the kindest and noblest thing a person can do.  I lost that and it's partially my fault.

No matter how much people tell me that Doomsday was not my fault, in a way it was because I hid a lot of who I was.  There is so much stigma that I try to hide my depression as long as possible.  It always comes out, but that way people think that I am actually a functional person for a while. I think that I should have been more guarded, but I wanted to belong somewhere for once.

I started watching a new show called Black Box.  It's about a bipolar neurosurgeon.  It stars Vanessa Redgrave as the therapist.  In a speech about medicine the neurosurgeon mentions Hemingway, Van Gogh and Sylvia Plath and questions whether they should have been medicated into mediocrity.  The therapist mentions that medicine is there to help people live long enough to produce their best work. 

Living with a mental illness is hell.  It got worse when I lost him.  Out of that loss, I realized that I needed to do something to stop Doomsday from happening again.  I know that is happens to other people all the time.  How can I explain to someone that the hardest part of my day is convincing myself to get out of bed and do something with the day?  That's why I run late sometimes. 

I take my meds and go to therapy.  I try to exercise but something is missing.  I can't quite get better for an extended period of time.  I don't know what to do.

I'm still working on campaigns and Pile of Good Things because it all needs to stop.  Education can end ignorance and I abhor ignorance.  I lost him due to ignorance.  I'm hoping that Pile of Good Things will be my best work.

I'm never going to be free from depression.  It will subside, but it will always be there.  How do I go on when I cannot stop the loneliness?  If I keep striving, will I get him back?


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